Is very experienced separately
sofatutor magazine parents
Theoretically, I know how it would have gone - in practice, unfortunately, it didn't work at all, the one with the peaceful separation. But that’s why I’m almost predestined to explain how to part without smashing too much porcelain.
Announce the separation together. Sit down with the child in peace and calmly say what's going on. The exact words are not so important because the message is a shock to the child anyway. The important thing is the feeling: Parents must be able to convincingly convey to the child that they know what they are doing.
Say from the start that both parents stay. Children are related to both parents, even if one spends more time with the child than the other. Children want to stay connected to both of them. The thought that a parent might disappear releases existential fears that can lead to major psychological problems. So be sure to say and show that mom and dad are still there.
Give a child-friendly reason for the separation. "We have argued too often and think that two apartments are better for us" would be the simplest option. However, this does not apply if the child felt there was no argument at all. Then another explanation would have to be found.
Make it clear that the separation has nothing to do with the child and the love for him. “It's a thing only between mom / dad and me, it has nothing to do with you” is a sentence that cannot be said often enough. Because children relate everything to themselves. Many are terrified that mom or dad might part with them too.
Highlight the benefits of separation. "I understand that you are sad, but then there will be fewer arguments at home!" Or "With dad / mom you will also have a nice nursery and toys!" Could be sentences that offer consolation.
Endure and take care of the child's grief. One shouldn't make the mistake of saying it isn't all that bad. Because for almost all children a separation of the parents is a disaster. Cuddling and listening are the order of the day.
Make sure that the child's social environment is informed. Kita, neighbors, parents of friends should find out about the separation through the parents. This takes the burden off the youngsters of explaining things that overwhelm them. It also helps the others to be careful with the newly separated child.
Explain that many children have separate parents. "Everyone else has mom and dad, only you part!" Is an understandable thought when the ideal world falls apart. But if you look closely, there are plenty of separate parents in every class and neighborhood. To show that separation is to some extent normal and that life can go on afterwards gives the child a perspective.
Offer reliability and security through handling rules and accessibility. After a parent moves out, the child needs to know when he or she will see mom or dad again and how to contact him or her. These are elementary prerequisites for a good relationship with the parent with whom they do not live. If the offspring calls, the mailbox should not answer - at least in the first months after the breakup. That creates security.
Get to know the new home and offer the child space there. “Where does mom / dad live after moving out?” Is an important question for the child. The child should see the other home as soon as possible and have a cozy place there with a bed, toys and their own retreat.
Be emotionally approachable despite moving out. The parent who has moved out should continue to listen to the child. Just because a parent no longer lives with the child doesn't mean he or she isn't emotionally important. He or she only stays that way if she offers herself and feels emotionally responsible. A thing that requires a lot of sensitivity and also possibly overcoming, but is very important.
Let go. Accepting the ex-partner's decisions even if one does not agree with them - be it the choice of food, leisure activities or bedtime. If the child is with the other, then they determine what is good for the child. As long as the child is okay with that.
Do not act out anger at the ex-partner in front of the child. It's not easy to put up with your injuries. In the course of a divorce or separation, there are often ugly arguments about financial matters or emotional disappointment. Not addressing this in front of the child is difficult. If it doesn't work, sponge over it and make up your mind to do better next time.
Remain authentic. There are always good reasons to break up. So there's no need to pretend everything is fine. Even a newly separated mother or a newly separated father can be sad or stressed. Most damaging to children are parents who seem to be just functioning.
See the good thing about spending time together. If you can say "It wasn't all bad", it’s easier. When anger is bursting, it can help to look at that wonderful child you brought up and raised together for a while, and remember the good times. But this is something for advanced learners.
More articles from Christine
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