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Solve emotional dependency - 8 tips for more independence

Do you feel dependent on what others say or do?

Do you need recognition and confirmation all the time because otherwise you will feel bad?

Do you wish to be independent from others?

Then you are in good hands here.

In this article, I'll show you how you can break out of the prison of emotional dependence and find yourself again.

Here's how to learn:

  1. Let go of the fixation on others and take your life back into your own hands
  2. manage to give yourself the recognition you need
  3. find your own strength and trust in yourself again.

And that without having to send your partner or friends into the desert.

Table of Contents

It's a lot easier to be independent than it seems and a lot less dangerous than it feels to you right now. You don't need to be afraid that you will now part with certain people or become irresponsible to them.

But on the contrary:

Through your own independence you will even be able to connect STRONGER with other people.

Once you know how to maintain your own freedom and independence, you will see your relationships in a new light too. This article can be the cornerstone of a freer and happier life!

So take the opportunity and read on. It's worth it ... guaranteed.

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The addiction checklist

It is perfectly normal for us to be dependent on others. Complete independence is an illusion. The only question ishow strong we depend on others, their opinions and their moods and feelings.

How much influence do the actions and emotions of others have on you and your well-being?

How dependent are you

For a better understanding, you get a checklist here. The more items you can check off this list, the more likely it is that you are emotionally dependent.

Checklist:

  • Are your thoughts constantly revolving around your partner or another important person in your life? What she does, what she needs, what she wants.
  • You try to act as best as possible according to the wishes of others and forget your own life.
  • You don't manage to set clear boundaries and sometimes say NO to others.
  • You can no longer imagine life without a certain person and you panic when you think about a breakup.
  • You are overly jealous, possessive and always try to keep the other person under control.
  • You need constant attention, approval, and admiration from others or you will feel bad.
  • You have problems with being alone. You may even find being alone a pain and you know absolutely nothing what to do with yourself.
  • Time that you have to spend with yourself or without that one person seems kind of pointless to you.
  • Your everyday life is characterized by fears and worries about the person.
  • You suffer from constant physical restlessness.
  • Perhaps you are very exhausted, constantly tired or you suffer from constant nausea and loss of appetite or binge eating.

And how many of the points are familiar to you? Be honest with yourself and see where you stand. How dependent are you

And then ask yourself: If emotional addiction is so bothering you, making you feel so bad, why the hell are you doing this to yourself?

This is exactly what we are going to take a closer look at.

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Emotional dependence = a life in a prison of deficiency

Now you are probably wondering what is lacking and what it all has to do with a prison ...

Here comes the answer:

If you are emotionally dependent, you are very likely living in one Prison of bad feelingsfrom which you can hardly free yourself. Fear, restlessness, expectation and disappointment hold you tight.

Your positive feelings will be locked away, you cannot get out of the negative ones.

There are many reasons for this and these often have to do with a deficiency….

Here are the 4 reasons emotional addiction comes from:

  1. Lack of self-esteem: One of the biggest reasons for emotional addiction is a lack of self-esteem. When you become dependent on others, you have given up believing that you can manage your life on your own. That is why you may be scared of living independently. It is possible that in your childhood you learned in some way that you are only "worth something" if you fulfill the wishes and expectations of your caregivers and were otherwise "punished" with deprivation of love.
  2. Dependency structures from your childhood: Perhaps you were modeled on structures of dependency and you picked up this pattern every day and trained it unconsciously. Then, of course, your own dependent relationship behavior seems completely normal and appropriate to you.
    (By the way, here you will learn how you can do it better with your own children: Strengthening self-confidence - The 23 best tips for strong kids)
  3. Deep-seated fear of loss: You may also have suffered losses early on in your life. A parent has left or died, the parents were absent or otherwise “unavailable”, friends cheated on you, partners abandoned you. There are numerous ways in which a deep sense of fear of loss can burn into your soul. You are probably subconsciously guided in a certain way by this fear.
  4. Problems with being alone: It is also possible that you cannot be alone or that you generally do not know what to do with yourself and that you try to compensate for the bad feelings of restlessness and loneliness by having your partner or friends always available for you.

This prison of lack drives your actions. By holding on to certain people, you try to contain this range of negative emotions, not to feel them.

The paradox about it:

The people facing your constant expectations feel just as trapped as you do.

"In earnest?" do you think maybe now.

Yes, it really is. I'll explain it to you in the next section.

Emotional addiction isolates you from others


It's kind of crazy. The more you do for others, the less they do for you, it seems. You move mountains for your partner, give up all your interests - just to be there for him or her - and what do you get as a thank you? Well, um ... nothing!

What's going on there?

I'll tell you what's going on: people feel it unconsciouslythat you are needy, that you are dependent and that in reality it is not about their well-being, but about the affirmation of yourself.

You want to get recognition from others that you cannot give yourself.

As a result, the others feel, so to speak, deceived and feel that the contact with you is somehow 'uncomfortable'. They may feel pressured, pressured, and committed to you.

And the sense of obligation is one that undermines any affection, nips any passion in the bud.

Do you wish that the other person feels comfortable with you and that they decide freely and full of warmth in their hearts to spend the time with you, to pay you attention?

Control, jealousy, and exaggerated expectations are definitely not suitable for this purpose. In doing so, you literally take the other person's breath away and restrict their freedom.

You can't depend on anyone to be happy. No relationship can give you the peace that you did not create in yourself. - unknown

The good news is that your wish can still come true. But not on your usual path.

With the following practical tips, I will now show you what brings you closer to your wishes and thus also the wishes of your counterpart.

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How to become more emotionally independent - 8 practical tips

In the next 8 sections I will show you how you can manage to find your own strength and emotional independence again.

Are you ready for the steps into your new FREE life?

Then start with step 1….

1. Awareness - your way out of addiction

Your consciousness gives you the power to free yourself from addiction.

When you become emotionally dependent, your thoughts may always be with the other person. Everything that he or she does or doesn't do, say or not say, becomes inordinate to you and affects the way you feel and act.

In this way you are handing over power over yourself and your life to the other.

If you yourself that consciously do, this is the first step towards change. Only when you are really aware that you are relinquishing power over yourself do you have the opportunity to regain it.

So become aware of your feelings, thoughts, and actions about the other person.

My advice: Ask yourself the following questions:
  1. Do I often feel bad about certain people's opinions, statements, or actions?
  2. Do I say and do things on my own initiative or because I want to please someone?
  3. Do my thoughts constantly revolve around a person and what he is doing?

Watch yourself Assess your situation. If you have trouble organizing your thoughts, write them down. Then you have in front of you in black and white what your current situation looks like.

Very important at this point:

The truth often hurts a hell of a lot. But in order for you to be able to change something, it is necessary that you face it. Don't let that pull you down.

Everything that happens has a reason.

Which brings us to the next step ...

2. Find the cause & you will find your independence

I have already explained above the reasons for which emotional dependence can arise.

What is the cause of yours personal emotional dependence?

Are you afraid of being alone? A deep-seated fear of loss? Where does this come from? Perhaps it is also a combination of several points….

Now you might be wondering how this knowledge can take you further.

If you know how your addiction came about, you can also start directly at the cause and eliminate it.

The point is that you understand yourself and your situation. If you make yourself dependent on something or someone, it seldom has to do with your own weakness, but much more with a learned behavior. Through the addiction you try to compensate for experiences made in the past and to avoid renewed pain or being abandoned.

You have learned to protect yourself emotionally through your behavior (whining, clinging, being offended ...). Unfortunately, as you now know, this behavior makes it even more likely to be abandoned.

How exactly are you supposed to find out what is causing your addiction?

My advice: Ask yourself the following specific questions ...

  1. Which are the specific Situationsin which you feel bad, get nervous, feel an inner emptiness?
  2. What happened, before the feeling arose?
  3. With which Methods are you trying to get rid of the feeling? (e.g .: I vent my anger, I demand pity, complain, cling, etc.)

Every time you feel one of the feelings, go inside and answer the questions, preferably in writing. This is how you get to the causes of your emotional dependency and yourself.

These Awareness work is not easy and you will not always be able to observe yourself so well. Likewise, many processes run unconsciously in us.

So don't despair. You are doing this for yourself and your independence. Become more aware of yourself and create the basis for a profound change.

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3. Embrace the feeling

You now understand the cause of your feelings, now the point is to accept them too.

So if you feel fear of being alone, nervousness or other bad feelings in the future, try to pause. See if you can accept the feeling.

The feeling is okay! It's okay that it is there. No, my friend ... you will NOT die from it, even if it may feel that way.

My advice: Imagine you are hugging the feeling - like hugging and comforting a small child. Console yourself!
  • If you feel that the feeling leads you to act in the direction of dependent behavior (controlling others, whining, clinging, demanding pity, ...), defend yourself against it and do something else.

An example:

Your partner wants to meet up with friends. Immediately you are scared. Doesn't he want to be with you? Ain't you good enough

Accept these bad feelings, embrace the feeling child in you.

Don't get pissed off, sneaky, or nagging like you usually do, and instead tell your partner: "OK. I wish you a lot of fun!". Even if you don't feel like it, try it!

The point here is not that you immediately feel safe and great. It's about yours personal progress. This begins with the awareness and understanding of you and your situation and leads through the acceptance of your feelings in small steps into your new independence.

Speaking of small steps ...

4. Small steps that make a big difference

On the way to your independence, you will only take small steps at first.

However, these small steps become one enormous change lead in your life.

With every step you take, you will feel more free and relaxed. Little by little you will get used to your new thinking, your new actions, simply to your new life.

But for that you just HAVE to take these small steps.

You have to do something, get into action! But you shouldn't overstrain yourself, otherwise your motivation will go straight back to the ground ...

My advice: First, make a firm commitment to doing something towards independence every day.
  • One day you hug your bad feelings and track them down
  • The next day you let your partner go away in the evening (gritting their teeth)
  • You are not trying to expect a WhatsApp response from your friends
  • You're not trying to nag
  • Try to break your thought-duration loop, for example by distracting yourself with a book ... to give just a few examples of what it could look like.

You will learn specific ways of getting into action in the next 4 steps.

But always keep in mind that small steps are enough for now. They too will already have an enormous effect.

The big jumps still come by themselves.

5. The secret of independence

If you want to break free from your emotional addiction, is independence indispensable.

Through them you will regain more confidence in yourself and your worth. If you pursue your own wishes, dreams and goals in your life, you will feel stronger, more secure and therefore more independent from others.

And other people will take you more seriously again, and will be more committed to you again, if you stop clinging to them and start living your own life.

Only those who take themselves and their lives seriously will be taken seriously by others.

So how do you find your independence?

My advice: Rediscover the world ...
  • Go out and try new things, find a new hobby, something that really interests you, moves you.Are there things that you always wanted to try? NOW is the perfect time to do it!Come into action!
  • Focus on things that give you pleasure, that are fun - WITHOUT the person you depend on.
  • Sit downconcrete Goals for you andyour Life! It does not matter whether they are professional, athletic or otherwise. The only important thing is: they should only concern yourself! No one else.

With these actions you shift your perception and your focus, free yourself for other things and gradually release yourself from your emotional dependency.

Even if it feels bad and "not right" at first, do it!

COME IN ACTION!

In this way you regain space, you have more air to breathe yourself and you enable others to do the same.

6. The success booster strategy for more independence

In the meantime you have taken the first steps towards your new independence.

You can make a giant leap out of it with the Success Moment booster. How it works?

My ultimate tip: Keep a "success diary"!

Write some in this book every nightpersonal Achievements you achieved that day. There should be at least 3 moments of success.

Do not worry, you will find these successes, even if it just seems impossible to you. Initially, it can also be very small successes.

Here some examples:

  • "Today I managed to focus much more on my job than on my partner."
  • "Today I jogged 5 minutes longer".
  • "I signed up for a VHS course today".
  • "Today I haven't thought about XY for a while and the problem".
  • "Today I had a nice chat with a colleague".

By this really efficient exercise do you visualize your own successes, celebrate your independence and catapult yourself into positive feelings.

Do this exercise every night before you fall asleep and end the day on a positive note for yourself.

Make sure you take this chance and boost your good feelings.

It will be worth it. Certainly!

7. How to learn to love being alone

Are you afraid of loneliness? Are you reluctant to be alone and prevent this state as best you can?

Then you may be confusing something. The feeling of loneliness can drag you down terribly, drop you into a deep hole.

But you can transform this bad feeling of loneliness into one Feeling of happinessto be alone with you. There is a considerable difference between experiencing lack of loneliness and experiencing fullness of being alone.

How do you manage this transformation? How do you create space for the liberating feeling of your own independence?

My advice: Practice being alone as often as possible.
  • First, take 15 minutes of time for yourself every day. Feel right into yourself during this time. What more do you need than yourself and this natural state of being alone? - Nothing. At this moment you don't need anything else ...

You may not feel better right away, but with a little practice you will gain access to your hidden feelings of happiness. They are already there, they are natural. You just have to find it, trust yourself and practice - every day 15min.

  • If you want to go further, make a resolution to be alone for one night a week. And to do something that YOU want and that has nothing to do with other people. A whole evening just for you. That might sound scary at first. At some point you will experience it as a gift.
  • Later you can turn one evening into one all day do.

The ability to be alone is a very important step towards freedom and independence. If you want to loosen your emotional dependency, I advise you not to skip this step either. Dare yourself and practice being alone. You will be amazed at the success.

8. The control-prohibition principle

This step is fundamental for your own independence:

Give up control!

When you control others, you are far from free and independent. Control restricts everyone involved in their freedom and independence.

It doesn't have to be extremely jealous behavior.

Already the ExpectationThat others MUST behave towards you in some certain way is pure control.

Your partner has read your message and is currently online - but is not writing back? A good friend wanted to get in touch, but doesn't? You wait and wait, your mood is getting worse and worse. What do people actually think of?

Does this scenario sound familiar to you? Have you screwed yourself up for a few hours, days or even weeks through this how-can-you-just-be-thought-spiral?

Maybe you are already in Conflicts advised with others.

This is not a wonder. You don't give them the freedom to be themselves and to act of their own free will. You are subliminally always busy behaving according to your expectations, not saying or doing anything wrong. That builds up pressure - on both sides. You expect something specific to happen and you fixate on it. This puts you under enormous pressure too.

Do you want to change that and free yourself from the pressure?

Then give yourself a control ban.

The only thing you should be controlling is your need for control.

How do you do it?

My advice: Interrupt your thoughts ...
  • As soon as you feel the need to control others or you are jealous, your thoughts constantly revolve around the behavior of others, build oneThought STOP a. Say to yourself “STOP!” First of all, this will tear you out of the negative spiral of your thoughts.
  • You can also sing your negative thoughts out loud or express them in a funny way. That even brings some humor into the matter and you may have to laugh at yourself 🙂 - "I'm the ki-ka control freak and I'm just getting mad ...
  • In a further step, you consciously direct your attention to something else: Maybe the sun is shining right now? Are the birds chirping? Are you in the mood for something right now? Is there anything else you wanted to do?
  • If the thoughts and feelings occur too suddenly and run over you too intensely, there is another possibility:Immediate relaxation“→ Take a deeper breath than usual without holding your breath again and then hold your breath for 5 seconds. Repeat this until you have calmed down.

If you can turn your attention to other topics in different ways and are more relaxed about it, you will quickly feel how the tight grip of control is loosening and gradually even disappearing into thin air.

The important thing is: Divert your attention!

And here, too, it is the small steps that lead to great success. So: be patient with yourself.

Enjoy independence - now it's your turn!


Once you gain awareness and acceptance of your emotional addiction and its causes, the step into action is not far.

Take the individual stages and tips seriously, grab it and don't let up. It's about YOUR life and YOUR emotional freedom.

Once you've tried the sweet taste of the independence fruit for the first time, you won't be able to get enough of it. I guarantee you that!

The only thing you have to consider on your way to the sweet fruits:

  • At first, it will only progress in small steps ...

….And thereby….

  • ... you should have a lot of patience and indulgence for yourself.

Steps backwards can occur from time to time in this process. It is completely normal.

Just don't let that get you down!

Because this journey towards more self-confidence and emotional independence is one of the best things you can ever do for yourself.

Life is just sooooo much easier with it.

I wish you a lot of fun!