Do women need sex too

Sex despite stress: do women and men tick differently?

Sex despite stress: do women and men tick differently?

No matter how much stress my husband (48) can have - he still feels like having sex. It's different for me: when I have too much on my mind, sex is the last thing that comes to mind, which I find a bit of a shame myself. Do men think differently when it comes to stress than women when it comes to sex?

Yes, you can basically say that. For many men, sex is a good outlet for stress: They enjoy the physical encounters that help them switch off, and the deep relaxation after the climax. Their relaxation is more fundamental than that of women, which is why many men fall asleep fairly quickly after sex.

Most women, on the other hand, have less or no desire to have sex when they are stressed. You are then more or less "in your head" - even more than before - and have trouble letting yourself go. They think about what still needs to be done and how they can get it all done.

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Female pleasure is usually not spontaneous, but rather “responsive”: It needs time, attunement, the feeling of connectedness through personal exchange, the certainty of being supported, a harmonious atmosphere, physical feeling - in other words, a good base so that pleasure can arise and can grow.

Sensitive female pleasure

No wonder that men are sometimes overwhelmed, especially since Sigmund Freud said: "The big question to which I have not found an answer, despite thirty years of research into the female soul, is: What does a woman want?"

Female pleasure is not linear, but is characterized by ups and downs and is very sensitive or susceptible to interference. Voices in the next room, physical discomfort, conflict or stress - women can quickly extinguish them.

The spontaneous desire of men is more independent of external conditions: Once the arousal is there - and this is possible due to many different small stimuli - it seeks fulfillment and can increase to climax without being quickly disturbed. The course of male pleasure is described as linear and therefore appears less complicated. But neither type of desire is better than the other - both have their purpose: It is entirely plausible that spontaneous desire evolved so that men spread their genes. And that responsive desire has the meaning that women look for fathers for their children who are caring so that their offspring have good chances.

Of course, we don't just work according to this program. There are also reversed roles in men and women or couples, where both have a responsive desire or both - which is rather rare - a spontaneous one.

Pleasure thanks to hanging up the laundry

Almost all couples have to learn to deal with different desires and different sexual needs. It is helpful for the person with responsive desire to find out what they need in order to get and maintain pleasure.

Some things are in the partner's hands - hanging up the laundry, for example - and the woman or man with the responsive desire is responsible for others.

* Graduate psychologist, couple and sex therapy, Bern