Of course, don't moan during sex
Open relationship: I'm not yours
contentRead on one side
Knowing that Pia is out with a guy and that they are probably fucking was awesome. The first three days I felt pretty dirty. But I had agreed to it, after all I could have told her not to drive. Instead, I wished her a good time. Up to that moment I had acted out much more than Pia. On average, I had something with a different woman every two months, Pia only snogged once. Still, I had to struggle with my ego. Even now I'm still jealous when I happen to see Pia with David at college. Then immediately there is a stitch in my stomach. Because I realize that there is a connection that goes beyond the sexual and that I don't belong to. But the story also made Pia more interesting to me. Because now I know that she could run away.
When I slept with David, I found it less weird than I expected. Before that, I thought that would mean a complete change. But when it was over, nothing had changed. Except that I was really looking forward to Julian. I noticed that there is a lot more intimacy between us. And that it is different whether I sleep with Julian or with anyone else. Falling in love is a spontaneous thing, you don't really know the other person yet. When you are with someone longer, you develop a much deeper feeling.
I keep hearing from friends: "Bullshit, you don't love Pia if you want to fuck someone else." That's not true. I love Pia. The other day we went to a theater workshop together, which was about dropping all the covers. That's exactly what Pia gives me. With her I can be completely myself and don't have to prove myself. I don't have that intensity with anyone else. At one-night stands, you often only play one role. It's fun, but it's superficial. Everything that goes deeper, I only experience with Pia.
I even thought of David while having sex with Julian. Somehow that ran parallel in my head. I found that strange, but not that problematic. Julian once asked me how David was in bed. I couldn't tell him in detail, it got too close to me. Julian and I actually talk about our feelings, but I don't want to visualize him sleeping with another woman. With Nadine, for example. When he told me about the evening with her how exciting it was, I said "nice". Actually I meant: "Nice shit!" When he met her again, I was out with friends to distract myself. Of course I am jealous. I don't pretend not to be that, I just want to learn to deal with it. This is good self-esteem exercise. At some point I realized that I was really important to Julian. It doesn't matter if he's raving about another woman.
The bottom line is that sex with other women sucks. It's always the same script: smooch, fumble, sex. You can't guess what the other might like. But it's also exciting because you don't know how it smells, moans, moves. The foreign attracts me: Nadine, for example, was a real chick. In her room she had a lot of cool stuff and a record collection I didn't know a single artist of. Another one I had something with was a philistine, totally stiff. It took me forever to get her around. She said, "What if someone finds out about it?" I enjoy immersing myself in another world for a few moments.
When Julian tells me about someone else, I immediately think: "Whoa, what does she look like?" Or: "Help, I'm going to leave!" I don't know what I find more threatening: when Julian sleeps with a woman who is very similar to me or with one who is very different. There is something threatening about both. But what made me feel insecure at the beginning of our relationship was his ex-girlfriend. For the first few months until we got together, Julian was still lovesick because of her. He met her again later and still felt a lot for her. I was worried about that. In addition, Julian once confessed to me at a party that he thinks two of my friends are really great. He said: "I would like to smooch her!" But that's not possible because both women are close to me. It's much more blatant than with women I don't even know.
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