How do I have sex without love
No feelings, no sex: why nothing works for me without love from now on
I don't write about sex. First, because there are so many great authors out there who are doing it much better than I could ever do (Gigi Engel, Maria Del Russo, Bobby Box). And secondly, because it's no damn business of anybody. I am an internet person and can decide for myself what to know and what not to know about me and my life. And when it comes to sex, I draw the line. If you just scroll up to the headline and think: Huh, but that's what this article was all about ?!, I can only say, I am not at all sure whether what I am writing now is about sex at all. Maybe more about love. In a nutshell, I don't want to have sex until I love someone and am loved by them. From now on, something only works when I have feelings.
When I say “from now” it might sound like I made the decision while blow-drying my hair this morning. From now on equal. I've been thinking about it for quite a while and therefore haven't had sex in a long time. How long? This is private. That being said, we should really stop keeping statistics on it. Seriously: The stigma of a "dry spell" is disgusting and at the same time disregards the power of vibrators - and I can tell you, these things deserve your respect.
I made the decision after the last time I had boring, numb, please-come-finally-so-I-can-call-Uber-and-drive-home-sex. I wish I could tell you this was the first time this happened. But we're all grown up here. It was definitely not the first time, nor was it the only one. The number of people I've had sex with is private and other than that, kind of irrelevant, but what I can tell you is, I could easily trust you (you know, this exercise in which you put your eyes closed in the arms of People?) With all the men I had unemotional sex with while being single - if I trust these men even a little would.
I no longer want to have sex with men who don't even know when it's my birthday, how to drink my coffee and which side of the bed to sleep on.
That was the last time. From my dyed brown hair to my pedicured toes, every cell in me suddenly knew: I don't want to have sex again until I feel something. And not just a little. Not just a few butterflies in your stomach or crotch. I've probably known this for a long time, but that day I admitted it to myself for the first time. I knew I couldn't have sex if I didn't love the person.
To be clear, have as much meaningless sex as you want if you enjoy it! Consensual casual sex can be fantastic and I have enjoyed it myself for a (very) long time. I've had years in which I've let off steam and had great sex with no feelings. And I have no regrets! But at some point a change of direction took place in my head and when I got to the other side I realized: I no longer want to have sex with men who don't even know when it's my birthday, how to drink my coffee and on which side of the bed I sleep. But again: this is my personal attitude. With you it can be completely different and I am the last one who would judge or judge you for anything.
I did it for years because I live in a modern dating world where you get to know people through swiping and sex is the starting point of a relationship. I thought I had to stop being so prudish and play this game or I'll be single forever. After all, that's what Tinder is about, isn't it? How could I have believed that I could meet someone like this to build something serious with? In a place where men will either ignore you or ask for a blowjob at 3 a.m. This is the world we live in, date, fuck. Believing that I could bond with someone emotionally before letting him into my bedroom was just naive. I just had to come to terms with how it works these days and join the dating circus, otherwise I'll be single all my life. That was the message I kept getting: change yourself and what you want or you will be alone forever.
At some point I realized that I would rather be alone forever than allow a man to see me naked and touch me who already knows he will never contact me afterwards. But he will still look at all of my Instagram stories and write to me in six months, because he wants me to drive to him on Friday night in the pouring rain. I really didn't feel like that anymore.
I have to feel love first. Maybe this has always been the case and I ignored it. Because sex is fun and getting attention is fun too. And if I can't have love, then at least have fun. But why did I think I couldn't have love? Why haven't I made greater demands on life - and on myself? Why was I ashamed of wanting not only sex but also love? Today I don't do that anymore and I'm very proud of it. I no longer deny what I need and I don't sleep with men who I first have to convince myself that I like them - just because it's better than a dry spell. Because that's not it. For me, sex doesn't count without love.
It feels great to allow myself to say out loud that I am no less satisfied.
My sexuality is love. My sexuality must feel that a man me want and not just sex. I denied that and was ashamed of it for longer than the internet needs to know.
It feels great to allow myself to say out loud that I am no less satisfied. Wanting more out of life and sex than I've ever had the courage to admit. I'm not afraid of having less or no sex just because I now dare to stand by myself. On the contrary. I'm already looking forward to the kind of sex this will all lead to. If I'm afraid of anything, it's that my truth, my self-worth, and my sexuality will never be something I'm proud of. But I am proud of her. I now live a life that supports what I want. I don't see why I should be ashamed of trying to establish a relationship with someone before I have sex with them. And yes, the way I used to live, I had more sex. But I've found that my new life feels fucking amazing too.
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